And so here we begin:

I ask myself every day, "where are we going?". Because I'm just not so sure anymore. When I was young I remember clearly that it never rained on Saturdays, and that America was a hero among nations. But where are we now?

I'm definitely "old enough for bitter" (thanks Matthew Pryor), but definitely in a different sense. He's mad because all his friends got rich and famous and the best he got was opening for the band who opened for Weezer back in like 1999. I'm bitter because I'm doing my best, but nobody else cares.

Last night while shopping at Whole Foods like every boring married man does on Sunday (even though my life isn't so boring.. most people aren't as excited about going to the grocery store as I am) I saw not one, but two Hummers in the parking lot. No doubt some ignorant prick of a man donning Dockers shorts and a polo shirt (tucked). If he is going casual he is wearing leather boat shoes. For a more sophisticated look there will be on his whitened feet a shiny pair of penny loafers (pennies polished to an almost platinum sheen). Either that or it is a mom and her kids shopping at Whole Foods for no other reason than to be seen there spending exhorbitant amounts of money while some kid bagges all her meat, fish, fruit, and organically labeled body scrub into thirty-five separate bags; everything neatly rubber-banded and taped shut to avoid the slightest chance of spilling.

And here I am... Trying my best to secure a future for myself, my wife, and the baby inside her. It's disheartening to be the one human being standing in the midst of a gigantic herd of blind cattle mooing and stampeding valiantly. Adorned with nationalistic grins and cooing gracefully their anthem, they drag me and my own loved ones towards what looks like a beautiful ocean of ignorance and bliss, but is really some gigantic gorge whose bottom is just low enough that we will suffer but not die once we get there.

I know it might seem like I'm making too much of a big deal about Hummers and McMansions, but I remember one time not too long ago when weather forecasters made a big deal about a category one hurricane heading toward Florida. They called it Katrina and everyone ignored them. Then we all watched on TV while people drowned in their attics and Brownie did a fantastic job of opening up a wonderful opportunity for real-estate investors. And you know what I say? Actually... my great grandfather said it. Really, come to think of it, everyone says it, but ignores it when they choose to. I suppose it's one of the millions of things people say out of habit, but don't really have faith in. It is: "better be safe than sorry".

You know what? I drive a Toyota Prius. I recycle. Why? Two reasons: One is it saves me money. I'm not hugging trees... I'm an asshole who wants more money to spend on clothes and Apple computers. I love to laugh at people while I'm filling up my 7 gallon tank with premium for about $22, which will take me a little less than 400 miles (not highway miles, mind you, I live on Long Island. We're all about the stop and go). The second reason is because it's better to be safe than sorry. The fact is that global warming is occuring. I myself think it is obvious from the data that it is because of human intervention, and not a natural cycle. But even if it ends up that it is a natural cycle, and we are all going to drown anyway, isn't it better to save some money along the way? And isn't it better to be safe than sorry? I just realized what a lame sounding phrase that can be when repeated over and over. I sound like my mother already... but when she's right the woman is right.

So moms and dads... cut the ignorant, pompous, self-serving attitude and drop the SUVs. You say you're doing it to keep your family safe, but everyone knows SUVs aren't any safer than sedans. And if you didn't know, I'm telling you right now. Besides, we all know that, even at forty, there is still a need and a desire to feel cool. Dads dont buy Hummers to keep their families safe. Dad buys a Hummer for mom so dad can drive it and feel cool. Dad can also tell his secretary that he bought his wife a Hummer. This makes the secretary dream about dad more, and increases dad's chances of having a good time at the office.

And finally... for all those dads in crisis and tape-up teenagers: SUVs are no longer cool. What famous people drive them? Let's see... the Governator. Oh yeah... he's really cool. He's about as cool as Hulk Hogan's handlebar moustache is in 2006. Who drives a Toyota Prius? Cameron Diaz, Will Ferrel, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bill Maher, Alicia Siverstone, Larry David, Brad Pitt, Billy Joel, Harrison Ford, Jack Black, Jack Nicholson, Patricia Arquette, Tom Hanks, Tim Robbins, Robin Williams, and Price fucking Charles. Nobody is cooler than Charles the Prince of goddamn England. I've seen the pictures of him with all those girls. So everyone doused in Hugo Boss cologne sporting tape-ups (another new yet perplexing phenomenon is the tape-up), if you want to be about as cool as the Governatah and G Dubya... go get yourself a big 'ol Cadillac Escalade or a nicely overpriced monster truck and keep dreaming that you're cool. If you actually want to attract models... know that they want to go out with guys who are doing what will be cool in a year or two, not what WAS cool in middle-Arkansas in 1998.

If you don't stop, those of us getting pulled along by your ignorance are going to have to start fighting back with equal ignorance. Let's all buy cheap old 80's Lincolns with steel bumpers and ram SUVs in parking lots (parked and empty, of course). Although, given the American attitude of being steadfast and stupid when faced with obvious choices, this might just make SUV drivers become even more resilient in their plight to ignore everything and strengthen their resolve to believe in nothing but their own dreams.